The Power of Submission: My life as a sex slave
By Maria Isabel Pita

     I was struggling through a long-term relationship with a man when I came upon The Story of O. The infamous book both thrilled and terrified me. Suddenly, a secret door opened up and I glimpsed a realm where all my deepest darkest most forbidden desires could all come true. And yet for years after that I stood poised on the threshold, hesitating to take that first step to make my fantasies flesh. My "normal" relationship with my boyfriend was frustrating but safe, like Newton's law of gravity. I was afraid of falling and losing myself in the seductive black-leather universe glinting with metal shackles like stars burning at the very heart of my sexuality. I had heard of too many extreme and distasteful things that went on there, and this made me worry my submissive nature was like a cancer I had to fight so it wouldn't spread out of control and prevent me from living a normal healthy life. I didn't realize how wrong I was until I met the right man who took me by the hand and finally led me into the intensely exciting world of BDSM.

     I learned that every BDSM relationship (Bondage & Domination, Sadomasochism, Dominance & Submission) is as unique as the persons involved in it. What dominant and submissive individuals do together is determined by both of them. Before I entered the lifestyle with the man I now call my master as casually as other women say "my husband," I did not understand how controlled and consensual BDSM truly is. Paradoxically, a submissive is in many cases a strong, intelligent woman who knows and dares to acknowledge exactly what she wants. Absolute submission to love and desire requires a strength of character that is a far cry from the stereotype of sex slaves as mindless "doormats" with no self-respect. The truth is every submissive is an individual, and even if some do indeed qualify as doormats, the majority I have met in the lifestyle definitely do not.

     The judgmental view of sexual submissives as people unable to overcome abusive childhoods is as erroneous as the belief that all dominants are relentlessly cruel and heartless. Some masters are extremely sadistic as well as promiscuous, regularly dominating more than one partner, but it is also a fact that many masters have only one beloved slave.

     In the BDSM lifestyle, it is important to distinguish between tops and bottoms as opposed to masters and slaves, for the latter usually share a much deeper and lasting relationship than the former. Tops and bottoms are basically people who enjoy playing at BDSM in a purely sexual and temporary context. A bottom is usually a man or a woman who likes to be dominated in the bedroom but immediately sheds that disposition once the erotic scene is ended, and in reverse the same is essentially true of a top. A master and a slave, however, share a serious and often permanent bond transcending mere physical arousal as it penetrates into the stimulating realm of profound emotions and even spirituality. Tops and bottoms enjoy temporary, more superficial and often promiscuous sexual power exchanges whereas a master and slave very often share a lifelong exclusive commitment to each other.

     "Total Power Exchange" is the terminology coined by Steven S. Davis in the newsgroup alt.sex.bondage. In a TPE relationship, a slave loves and trusts her master implicitly, and in returning her love he is always sensitive to her limits because ultimately (and this is the real mystery) it is her pleasure that fuels his. The idea of TPE was seriously daunting to me when I first entered the lifestyle. I wanted to do whatever my master commanded me to do, and yet I knew there were countless things I would never consider doing no matter what. This may seem a paradox, but it's actually not because the most important part of TPE is trust. No woman should ever become involved in a long-term relationship, not just a D/s one, with a man she does not trust implicitly. That's not to say it might not take a long time for your mind and emotions to catch up with your heart. I fell in love with my master the moment I met him, but it took me months to completely trust him never to command me to do anything I didn't really want to do. I was constantly afraid he would push me beyond my limits until finally I realized that would never happen.

     The first thing my master did when he collared me was ask me to choose my "safe word," the word a slave says when she feels she is being pushed too far either physically or emotionally, at which point whatever is happening comes to a complete and immediate stop. More than anything else, a slave's safe word proves false all the negative stereotypes of the BDSM lifestyle. It proves that a Dom's pleasure always revolves around the submissive's desires and generously, carefully giving her exactly what she wants.

     It is my opinion based on my own personal experiences that a woman should never feel guilty or afraid to explore her deepest darkest desires. Because the truth is you can live a "normal" life and enjoy a tender, loving relationship in the exciting world of BDSM where the only limits to your self-expression are what you and your partner desire to share together.

Maria Isabel Pita is the author of Whips and Whispers